As a new mom, I didn’t know how to open up about my rage because no one else was talking about it.
I kept it quiet, simmering under the surface and felt so much shame any time it bubbled up (and sometimes out) in a way that didn’t align with who I wanted to be or who I believed myself to be before having my baby.
What I know now is that when rage shows up, it’s often a sign of unmet needs, overwhelm, unexpressed emotions, and/or a lack of support (not to mention other contributing factors like poor sleep and hormonal changes).
If I could go back, here’s what I would tell myself…
Yes, it makes sense you feel this way
► You are not alone in this experience.
► You are still a good mom.
► Rage is a clue something needs to be addressed.
(Okay, but how do you know what needs to be addressed?!)
If you want to understand how to cope with maternal rage
Here are a few suggestions for you:
Review the basics. If you are already doing what you can to sleep and rest, focus your attention on what you are eating.
Maternal depletion is all-to-common and making changes to how you are eating (and eating enough) can have a big impact on how you cope with the demands of motherhood. (Kim from Root & Branch Nutrition is an excellent resource in this area!)
Other considerations: are you drinking enough water? do you need to move your body in a different way? or go to the bathroom? or take a shower? (In other words, how are you taking care of your body and meeting its needs?)
Acknowledge and ask questions. Instead of pushing it away (and letting it build), get curious about what your rage is trying to tell you. Emotions are messengers. If we understand the message, we can move toward more supportive actions.
If you are feeling stuck, try asking yourself:
- What do I need right now?
- Where am I doing too much?
- What do I wish could be different?
- What am I trying to protect?
- Could this anger be fear or grief?
Be patient with yourself in this process, especially if you were a “good girl” growing up and you weren’t taught what your anger could be trying to communicate.
Identify triggers and patterns. Consider whether your environment, certain behaviors, or specific circumstances tend to spark your rage. Knowing your triggers will help you figure out how to support yourself and where to seek support from others.
- Do you need to put away a noisy toy or toys with lots of pieces?
- Do you need to listen to an audiobook or a podcast while supporting baby to sleep?
- Do you need to have a snack ready after nap to avoid a meltdown while you are cooking dinner?
- Do you need to have a conversation with your partner about sharing the mental load?
Try different strategies. When it comes to rage, experimentation is most likely to lead you to the combination of strategies that will help you best cope.
If you’ve addressed the basics, consider adding in regular breathing exercises, intentional movement, mantras, journaling, meditation, or emotion check-ins to improve regulation. Try limiting social media use and/or spending more time outdoors.
Also have a plan for in the moment strategies like: slow, deep breathing, clenching/unclenching fists, drinking a glass of cold water, shaking it out, hugging yourself, or recalling a happy memory.
Share with someone. The feelings of guilt and shame that sometimes accompany rage might make this one a challenge…but the validation and support you receive from a non-judgmental friend, a trained coach, or a perinatal mental health therapist might be the key to accessing more self-compassion and clarity around why rage is coming up for you.
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It’s been adapted from my monthly(ish) email, The Friendly Hello. Subscribe here to receive mindset shifts, early motherhood insights, and behind-the-scenes shares directly to your inbox!
