I recently shared to Instagram stories about my youngest skipping a nap (and what that felt like for me), and then last week I saw a few others sharing their reactions to unexpected changes to daytime sleep too, which had me thinking:
Why is a baby resisting, skipping, or taking an extra-short nap so triggering or anxiety-producing?
Here are a few possible reasons:
1) We think something is wrong if our baby is not sleeping because of messages we have internalized about infant and toddler sleep. It can make us question ourselves: is this because of me? did I make “bad” decisions about sleep?
2) Sometimes it feels like a threat to our body because it is often a threat to our personal time or to our sense of control. Our little one not following our anticipated schedule sends us into a bit of a panic because our nervous system recognizes this wasn’t the plan! (Cue the “nap rage” when we worry we won’t be able to meet our needs.)
3) Other times, we’re remembering a past experience and/or anticipating what could happen next. What happened the last time a nap was skipped? Was it a fussy, demanding afternoon? Was there a late cat nap and a later bedtime and you didn’t have time to yourself in the evening before bed? Were you up more in the night and exhausted the next day? Your subconscious mind prompts your body to react as if your memories or predictions are true.
Find compassion for yourself in these challenging moments
Be kind to yourself if your nervous system reacts in ways you didn’t expect or your emotional experience surprises you.
Maybe your whole body tenses seeing the time on the clock.
Maybe tears fill your eyes from the exhaustion and frustration.
Maybe you think (or even say) something that shocks you.
You are a good mom and a whole human with needs of your own and a full range of emotions.
Acknowledging your experience and meeting yourself with kindness is the first step toward shifting what happens next.
If you find yourself in a spiral when baby isn’t falling asleep for a nap
(Or your schedule is off for some other reason and it feels like a literal threat to you), here are a few next steps to consider:
Take a moment to breathe. I know, I know. This advice seems annoying, but regulating your nervous system is essential for helping your baby or toddler feel safe enough to sleep and also for your ability to make decisions around what to do or try next.
While you are breathing, you might repeat a phrase like:
- This isn’t to upset me
- My baby is doing [his/her] best
- This feels hard for both of us
- This is just [right now/today]
Come back to the present. Shift your focus from what if to what is. Our minds are quick to make predictions, but these predictions are not our reality and worrying about what *might* happen prevents us from noticing what is *actually* happening.
It may help to remember that even if your predictions do come true, you can trust yourself to make it through those circumstances (you’ve done it before!).
In my case, my little one was content and playing, even as I started to stress about when the meltdown would happen and whether I would be awake all night. And shockingly, neither of those things happened! If I hadn’t come back to the present, I would have spent the whole afternoon on edge for no reason.
Reset (and repair) as needed. Instead of continuing to do the same thing, pause for a reset.
Change your environment. Drink a glass of water. Eat something. Give your little one time to play and possibly poop (often a reason for resisting a nap!!). Wait until you feel the energy shift. Take ownership if you didn’t show up as the mom you want to be. Even with babies, this is a good practice!
Look for the opportunity. You decide what to do next, so ask yourself: What do I need? How can I still make space for me? What would feel better to me to do?
Maybe you:
- Bring baby with you for a shower or take a bath together
- Listen to an audiobook in your ears during the next nap attempt
- Catch up on your favorite show during a contact nap
- Put baby in the wrap (or stroller) and go for a long walk
- Drive somewhere to get a little treat and hope for a car nap
- Go on a family adventure now that the afternoon is open!
If you can view the unexpected as a chance to pivot and try something else, you might even make a sweet memory in the process. (My youngest is always inviting me into the bath now. 😅)
And yes, if you have more than one little one, some creativity may be required. Use the questions above to identify what would be most helpful for you, and then consider how you can make it work for all of you. What you choose to do today doesn’t have to be what you do every day.
If sleep is consistently a struggle and you need more support, check out these sleep without sleep training accounts (recommended by our IG community):
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It’s been adapted from my monthly(ish) email, The Friendly Hello. Subscribe here to receive mindset shifts, early motherhood insights, and behind-the-scenes shares directly to your inbox!
